


Made of Clay

by kestra_troi



Series: SPN Crack Is Wack [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Animate Object, Bottom Dean Winchester, Bottom Sam Winchester, Comeplay, Episode Tag, Episode: s08e13 Everybody Hates Hitler, Established Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester, Facials, Ficlet, Magic Cock, Mildly Dubious Consent, No Plot/Plotless, Oral Sex, Other, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Ridiculous, Shameless Smut, This Is STUPID, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, sex with an animate object, top original male characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:54:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24834922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kestra_troi/pseuds/kestra_troi
Summary: Dean is a curious bean about certain specifics regarding the Golem.
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester/Original Male Character(s)
Series: SPN Crack Is Wack [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1796413
Kudos: 7





	Made of Clay

**Author's Note:**

> So I rewatched this episode the other day and this ridiculous crack fic popped into my head and now I UNLEASH THIS MONSTROSITY ONTO YOU!!!!!!!!
> 
> Enjoy!

Sauntering up to the golem, Dean playfully swatted the docile giant on the arm. “Hey, big guy,” he greeted, with a warm, we-don’t-have-to-gank-you-now smile. “So, before we head out we had a question—”

In the background, Sam snorted. “We?”

Dean ignored him. “So, you’re a dude made of clay.” The golem growled in affirmation. Dean nodded. “Are you...like a Ken doll? Ya know, all smooth down there?”

The golem tilted his head slightly in confusion. “What is a Ken doll?”

“Never mind. Uh,” Dean paused racking his brain for a different way to get an answer. He snapped his fingers and beamed at the giant. “Do you have all your twigs and berries?”

“I have no twigs. No berries,” the golem replied clearly still not understanding the real question Dean had in mind. “I am clay.”

“Yeah, I know—”

Walking up to his brother’s side, Sam cut to the chase. “What my brother means is: do you...have a penis?” Sam cleared his throat and immediately glanced away, shifting on his feet. Dean flushed, and hung his head, raising his eyes up to the golem’s, curiosity winning out over any shame.

“I am a man,” the golem replied. 

“So, is that a yes?” Dean raised his eyebrow.

“Yes.”

Sam looked over the giant, quizzical. “But why? I mean what’s the point in giving a clay golem a penis?”

“I was made in the image of man,” the golem explained. 

“More like the image of the Hulk, but okay,” Dean quipped.

“Sympathetic magic,” Sam deduced. The golem nodded sagely.

“Magic can be sympathetic? Like it won’t kill you if you beg first?”

Sam huffed. “No. Sympathetic magic just means using a facsimile of something or a symbol of something to link it to whatever you want to put a spell on.”

“What?”

“Like voodoo dolls,” Sam summarized. “They work because they look like the person you want to curse. Or have a piece of that person embedded in them or something they’ve owned or touched. You curse the doll—”

“You curse the person,” Dean finished. He shook his head, eyes wide, trying to clear his head like an etch-a-sketch after his brother’s rambling geekiness.

“I guess that’s also why he can talk.” Again the golem growled affirmingly. 

“Great. So now that we answered all those questions, let’s get back to the important stuff.” Dean rubbed his hands together and wiped his mouth. “Can we get a look?”

“Dean,” Sam chided.

“I wanna know. Ya know for science.”

Sam rolled his eyes.

“You wish to make a study of me?”

“Uh, yeah, sure, let’s go with that,” Dean said.

The golem tore his shirts off, revealing his lumpy, ill-defined torso. The brothers watched in shock. “Dean,” Sam muttered. The golem dropped the tatters onto the floor and then ripped his slacks off without a moment’s hesitation. He stood in front of the Men of Letters naked as the day he was formed.

The two brothers started at the top of the head and in unison scanned the giant down to his enormous dong. They both tilted their heads to the side, eyeing the simulated organ with puzzled looks on their faces. Sam broke out of the trance first. He met the golem’s gaze. “Why?”

“Sammy,” Dean mumbled, his voice a mix of awe and warning. Ix-nay on the questions-ay, being the obvious subtext as he went right on staring at the golem’s ridiculously big penis-like appendage.

“You’re a war machine,” Sam continued. “I get why you have one, but why is it...I mean—”

“Dude,” Dean suddenly piped in. “Do you get erections with that thing?”

“Dean, seriously?”

“What? It hangs down almost to the floor. You’re not at all curious if Clayface here can get it up? I mean, dude, it’s bigger than yours.”

Sam scoffed, incredulous. He peeked at the golem’s oddly long and thick penis and blushed. Fidgeting a bit, he put his hands on his hips and stood his ground. “So?”

“ _ So _ ,” Dean echoed with more emphasis. “Don’t you wanna see what it can do?”

“No,” Sam lied. 

Now it was Dean’s turn to roll his eyes. “Right. So golem, can you…” Dean made a trumpeting noise and raised his hand like a trap door swinging up and open. 

On cue, probably by magic, the golem grunted and his imitation of a cock rose upwards. Not so much growing erect as changing angles, since the golem had no flesh or blood. Dean whistled. 

“This is ridiculous,” Sam groused. He stepped away checking that the door to Aaron’s rented bedroom was still closed. When he turned back around his brother was on his knees. “ _ Dude _ ,” he hissed, hurrying back. “Aaron could get out of the shower at any second.”

“Tastes kinda earthy. A little salty. Kinda like dirt,” Dean described, nonchalant about the fact that he had been licking a clay man’s dong. “Not bad, actually.”

“Get up,” Sam demanded, reaching down so he could grab his brother’s arm. “This is so not okay.”

“Relax,” Dean countered, jerking his arm out of his brother’s grasp. “Gingerbread’s probably gonna hit the sack the minute he’s done. Your first time helping to burn bodies can do that to a person, remember?”

Sam growled in frustration. Nothing got under his skin more than his brother being obtuse. “We have his golem in here naked and hard with his clothes in ruins all over the floor. How are we going to explain any of this?”

“We’re not,” Dean said, calm and quiet. He looked up at Sam over his shoulder and smirked. He waggled his eyebrows suggestively. 

“Dean, no,” Sam whispered, a tightness in his voice.

“You don’t have to,” Dean conceded. “Just cover me.”

“Dean—“ With nothing left to say, Dean stuffed his mouth full of clay, barely able to stretch his lips around the fat, misshapen tip. Sam heaved a put upon sigh and stood apart, ostensibly to have a line of sight in case Aaron emerged from his room, but in actuality his eyes never left his brother’s determined, overwhelmed face. He couldn’t take much more than the head of the golem’s reproduction of a cock into his mouth. So he just sucked on that as best he could for a hot minute. 

Red in the face, Dean popped off the golem’s erection and cleared his throat. “So did that feel good?”

“I feel nothing,” the golem responded. “Neither pain nor pleasure.”

“Wow,” Dean panted. “Those rabbis did you dirty.”

“Dean,” Sam warned, shaking his head.

Dean met his eyes and shrugged innocently. He looked back up to the golem. “I mean, tough break. All the goods, but none of the fun.”

The golem made a sound in the back of his throat that neither brother could interpret. Sam crosses his arms, rocking slightly on his feet. “Wait, does he...have the whole...thing? Like, ya know, testicles?”

“Balls, Sammy,” Dean declared, aggrieved. “Just call ‘em balls.” He ducked his head and scanned past the golem’s shaft. At the base there was nothing, but a modest bump of clay. “That’s a negatory.”

“Huh.” Sam stood quietly for a moment. “It probably was a way to ensure their creation couldn’t procreate. Or maybe it was symbolic.”

“Of what? Eunuchs?”

“No,” Sam puffed. “Maybe it was a symbol of his non-humanness. A created thing that can’t generate life on its own.”

“So what comes out?”

“What?”

“He has a dick. Sort-of,” Dean enumerated. “And he can sort-of get hard. So, what comes out? I mean he doesn’t feel anything so what’s the point of him having any of this?”

“I don’t know,” Sam replied, briefly pensive. “Maybe one of the rabbis was lonely?”

Dean’s eyebrows shot up his forehead at the notion of a 1940s rabbi taking the time to give the defender of his people that he helped sculpt a cock-like dangle so he could get off with it. He shuddered a little at the thought. “Whatever.”

Once more looking up at the lifelike, but doughy golem’s face, Dean asked one more question: “I don’t want to know if you and some old rabbi did the nasty, but if you don’t feel anything can you come? Uh, ejaculate?”

“Dude, seriously?!”

“No need to be jealous, Sammy,” Dean teased. “You know I love your dick best, but I wanna know. When else are we gonna get the chance to ask?”

Giving up his position, Sam slowly went to his knees. “If I had to guess I would say clay.”

“Hey, big guy,” Dean said. “If me and my brother worked you over together would you feel that?”

“I feel nothing,” the golem reiterated. 

“Would you mind if we gave it a try,” Sam asked, in all earnest seriousness.

“If you wish, friends of my master,” the golem recited like he was reading from a script. 

Sam looked to his brother. Dean shrugged. “As long as you’re cool with it, big guy.”

The brothers waited for a reply. All they got was another noncommittal grunt. “Guess that’s a yes,” Dean grumbled. 

He leaned forward and with a little trouble wrapped his mouth around the head of the golem’s cock again. Sam scooted closer and tentatively slid his tongue down the uneven shaft. Dean had been right about the taste. The two brothers sucked and licked at the clay man in tandem, switching so Sam could have a go at the soggy tip and give Dean’s jaw a rest. 

While Sam struggled just like his brother had, Dean stroked the shaft. The whole situation was weird in every way. A man that wasn’t a man made out of clay, with a dick made out of clay that wasn’t a dick, and no balls at all to speak of and no sensations either one way or another. Sounded messed up. “Hey, big guy, we gotta wrap this up,” Dean declared. Sam pulled off the golem’s cock to clear his throat and catch his breath. “How about you give us a big finish and we call it a day?”

“Dean, you have to be more direct,” Sam admonished. He looked up at the staid golem and announced, “We want you to ejaculate.”

The golem rumbled, whether in agreement or not was impossible to say. The Winchesters stared at the giant patiently, Dean still holding the shaft. The golem closed his eyes and seemed to concentrate. Dean felt something warm under his fingers. His eyes snapped to the golem’s cock in time for him to earn a cupful of warm clay to the face. He flinched, shifting his eyes as quick as possible and turning away, pushing the golem’s cock aside.

“Dean,” Sam hissed, facing his brother. He shut his mouth with a click as warm clay sprayed the side of his head and drenched his hair. Somewhat annoyed, Sam smacked his brother’s hand away from the golem and let the rest of the thing’s pseudo-come splatter softly onto the hardwood floor. 

Hands free now, Dean rubbed the clay away from his eyes. Thin globs clung to his hair, while the rest trickled down his skin. Sam glared at him. “We done?”

The water shut off in the bathroom. 

“Time to hit the road, Sammy,” Dean exclaimed. The brothers got to their feet and hightailed it out of Aaron’s rental suite, each of them coated in cooling clay. “I think he got some in my mouth,” Dean complained. 

Sam scoffed and shook his head as they slipped into the Impala and drove away heading to Kansas and their new-to-them bunker and the apparently amazing showers that waited for them there.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos welcome!


End file.
